You’re Focused on the Wrong Things

We are sisters
Focused on the trees
Instead of the forest
Micromanaging our children
Needing to let go of what doesn’t help
We are sisters

Hauling in bags of groceries, I sigh. My MIAC (mentally ill adult child) sits playing on his phone. I could ask for help but won’t for fear of a verbal tirade. Taking his phone away would lead to retaliation. He should help me. I shouldn’t have to ask. Will it be like this forever? Why won’t he just shape up? I sigh again and haul in the groceries alone. Will this ever get better?

Let’s look at the things you think are important enough to ask your MIAC to do:

Take a shower.

Clean his room.

Find a job.

Eat dinner with the family.

Help out without being asked.

None of these things will lead to better brain health.

What do you really want from your child?

Him to act like other adults his age.

Her to start pulling her own weight.

Calm rational conversations.

Compliance with house rules.

Normal. You want your child to be normal.

Is that asking too much?

Yes.

Yes, it is if your MIAC is dealing with a mental illness and/or addiction.

Because a brain damaged by disease and chemicals is incapable of reasonable thinking, understanding consequences, or living beyond this present moment of pain and struggle.

What should you be focused on?

Learning as much as you can about this disease.

Regular therapist, psychiatrist, or counselor appointments.

Medication compliance.

Clean and sober to live in your house.

Respectful behavior towards you and others.

Will the things you want from your child change their mental health?

Ask yourself:

Will this lead to clearer thinking?

Will this lead to a diagnosis and treatment?

Will this allow your MIAC to make better choices?

Can you fix his brain with the things you’re doing for him?

Only do what will lead towards healing.

Nothing more. Only ask the really important questions. If you get pushback for asking your MIAC to live up to normal, then stop. He’ll never be normal, but he could be more stable, functional, and able to meet his own needs if he receives treatment. Stop enabling, thinking your actions will create the changes you want to see. It’s hasn’t worked, and it won’t.

 Focus on what’s important, brain health.

Just for today:

I will stop trying to fix the unfixable.

I will pay attention to the reality of what is.

I will accept that normal is only a dream.

I will focus on my own health and well-being.