Guilt is Just Another Layer of Grief
We are sisters
We blame ourselves for a child’s illness
We look for a reason to feel like a bad mom
We find things within our control
We let go of our guilt
We are sisters
Remembering back to the early days of my son’s diagnosis, I felt so guilty. Can you relate to any of these guilt trips I took myself on?
I felt guilty because:
I didn’t realize earlier that my son had a brain disorder. Instead I thought he was lazy, defiant, and obsessed with getting high.
I punished, threatened, begged, and shouted at my child for not living up to his potential, because I didn’t know he was doing his best.
I wasn’t a good enough mom to prevent this.
I couldn’t do anything to help him get better.
Something I did or didn’t do during pregnancy must have caused this.
Other family members blamed me for his illness.
I didn’t try hard enough to teach him to behave appropriately.
I didn’t show any compassion, only judgement.
I blamed myself for all the things I had no control over. The guilt devoured me until I felt a hollow shell of my former self.
The list could go on and on. I blamed myself for all the things I had no control over. The guilt devoured me until I felt a hollow shell of my former self.
In hindsight, the guilt was just another layer of grief. It’s what moms do to themselves when a child is diagnosed with a chronic illness, especially a severe mental illness (SMI). We’re not taught the warning signs to look for or the right questions to ask, and doctors attribute most behaviors to teenage angst.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. You didn’t know what you didn’t know. Your guilt is misplaced. It’s the abysmal mental health care system that should feel guilty. There are so few resources to help young adults with SMI, that many have irreversible brain damage from delayed treatment. Turn your guilt into advocacy for better mental health care.
Next time you feel guilty, look deep inside.
Is there something you did or said that you shouldn’t have?
Or are you feeling a moment of grief and frustration at what your mentally ill adult child’s (MIAC) lost and you can’t fix?
Just for today:
I will choose to see myself as guilt-free.
I will stop playing the blame game.
I will become an advocate for MI.
I will focus on my own health and well-being.